I am not afraid to keep on living,
I am not afraid to walk this world alone.
Honey if you stay, you'll be forgiven
Nothing you could say can stop me going home...

Down the road, I wonder what will stay with me about our whole relationship, and how it ended.  As it is sometimes I think about you and only remember anger, hatred and betrayal... and then other times, like today, I remember the way you were the first day we went away together... cocky, pleased with yourself, excited, and oh so young and unspoiled.  Unspoiled being a relative term, of course.

Good advice from an unusual source.

If you don't know who Cesar Millan is, he's on a National Geographic show called Dog Whisperer.  He works with dogs who have problems, and with their owners.  I watch his show all the time and have discovered that some of the advice he gives is really sound, even when not applied to dogs.

My  big thing lately is something he says all the time, which is that dogs live in the moment.  They don't worry about what comes tomorrow, they don't obsess over what happened yesterday.  They enjoy the good times that are happening NOW, and they take the bad times, learn from them and go on.  This is something I am trying to apply to myself, as I am a hard-core worrier, and it's always been really hard on me to let go of the past.

But it really is a wonderful feeling to just... exist.  I have found that the best moments are spent in my big bed with Brandon and our puppy... warm, comfortable and safe.  The puppy always passes out in the most floppy, bizarre positions and you can practically see the contentment oozing from her pores.  What a wonderful life it must be!

Happy Valentine's day.

What a weird day it's been.  I am so sick of the human race it's not even funny.  It makes me want to puke how everyone is dead certain that they are ENTITLED to their own opinion (which I'm not denying)... and that everyone else's opinion is just WRONG and OFFENSIVE.

C'mon.  How fucking dumb can you get.

We are all going through the same struggle in life... why do some people have to make it worse?  I truly do not understand that drama hounds.  Those people (women, mostly) who feel they can't be involved in a situation unless they are stirring up shit.  What a bitter, exhausting life that must be.

We only live once.  Really, there is so much to learn and absorb in this short time we have on the planet, what's the point in getting all up in arms over this stupid crap?

I wish it didn't bother me... but, and I will only-- ONLY-- admit this HERE... it does.  To the rest of the world, it's like water off a duck's back.

But in reality, between OH the DRAMA of these idiot women, and then what happened with him, sometimes I feel like the only thing that's saved my life is my job.

Why my job?

I don't know, really.  It's definatly not a great job.  In fact, it sucks, it's hard, dirty work.  And I am never proud to tell people what I do.

But... it's normal.  I am good at it (especially for being so new to it).  My co-workers are normal, funny, and good to work with.

I think between the generally mellow but fun-loving atmosphere, and the sense of self-worth I get from working for my pay... well, it's very soothing to the soul.

But don't tell my boss.  He'd laugh his ass off.

Don't you understand
I still have a plan...
I'm waiting for my real life to begin.

Lately I am way too much in my own head.  It's weird (though not necessarily unusual, unfortunately).  The drama going on in the rest of my life makes me miss him on occasion... though I haven't forgotten what an asshole he is, and how badly he treated me.  Isn't that sad?  But I remember how he was my FRIEND, and that's what I could use right now.

But I refuse to get all soppy about it.  I will only allow myself ONE JOURNAL ENTRY of missing him... and I want to save it for a time when I really need it.

Instead I will concentrate on other things here.  I had an odd experience that I doubt anyone else will understand, but that-- in a way-- made me think about the idea of "god" and the vastness of the universe.

A "friend" (use that term veeeeeeery loosely) hates me because of some crap that went on (completely, totally, utterly brought on by herself) regarding the training of this young horse.  Basically, I was supposed to train the horse, and in exchange be given another horse-- a sweet Thoroughbred gelding.  I have had the Thoroughbred gelding at my home now for about six weeks, and have grown very attached to him.  He has a wonderful friendly personality, and is just fun to be around. 

While this whole thing was going on with the "friend", I was worried that the young horse's owner (the Thoroughbred's ex-owner) would change her mind about the training, or give me a hard time-- in which case I was prepared to give the Thoroughbred back, as much as it would have hurt me.  So, on the day when I knew I was going to have to talk to the young horse's owner, I went out to the paddock and had a "talk" with the Thoroughbred gelding.  I told him that it didn't matter what happened, I'd always love him, whether I owned him or not. 

I know he didn't understand what I was saying but he understood what I MEANT.  He took the string from my sweatshirt hood and pulled on it, so I gave him a hug.  It was very sweet but in a way a tough moment because I had to face the idea that he wouldn't be mine anymore... and yet here he was being a big love bug.

Well, I spoke to his owner, and she told me she was going to consider him mine in exchange for work already done.  I was ECSTATIC.  It was over, he was mine, end of story... no more crap from my "friend".  I couldn't believe it, it was better than I'd expected.

It was like a gift from god, seriously.  I know it doesn't sound like much (or like anything) to anyone else but me, but.... signs are what you make of them.  And to me, this was a sign... that everything will be okay. 

Eventually.